Humans, in pursuit of a rare mineral, are threatening the inhabitants of Pandora, the Navi, a seemingly savage race of spear-throwers who are reluctant to give up their lands so they can be mined for the ultra-valuable Unobtanium...

Yes, you read that right - the rare mineral is called Unobtanium. I suppose that’s better than Hardtodigupim or Worthloadsofdoshium. But only slightly. And have you noticed the name of the planet? Yup, Pandora... so you know what to expect, if you know the legend of Pandora’s box. Subtle this movie ain’t.

Anyway, the military wants to blow up the Navi, a race of tall, athletic warriors created in eye-popping detail with CGI. Meanwhile, some of the scientists want to study them and try and win them over. “We give you beads, you give us land.” You can guess the stuff.

And then there's the Avatar programme where people forge telepathic links with genetically engineered Navi/Human hybrids that enable their human controllers to walk amongst the Navi without seeming too out of place. This aspect of the movie is quite promising, possessing the potential to highlight the difference between surface appearance and cultural differences.

Sadly, any chance of subtlety or contemplation is quickly dismissed when a wheelchair-bound solider gets to link with an Avatar. In his own body his legs are useless but when in control of his Navi Avatar he can run, jump, skip and probably dance the Watusi for all we know. Anyway, he starts to mingle with the natives, initially with the aim of gathering information for the military that will enable the men with guns to shift the men with bows and arrows so that the men with drills can get at the Unobtanium.

Of course crippled solider goes native, starts to love trees and plants and flowers and starts to understand the Navi’s religion, the worship of Eyra, the goddess of all living things.

There then follows lots of CGI telepathic trees [no, really], flying lizards, strange horse creatures and lots of tall blue aliens. Love blossoms, sap rises, the forest lights up with incandescent shrubs and everyone lives happily in Home Tree - a bloody great tree in which the Navi live.

But the soldiers have other ideas. They want death, guns, missiles, more guns and explosions. FIGHT!

Can you guess who wins? And can you guess what powers they draw upon to realise their victory? Betcha can.

Avatar lasts an arse-numbing 162 minutes. That’s more than two and a half hours of my life lost to watching a very expensive cartoon/live action slice of shallow, vapid and blundering hippy sh*t.

You’re right - I’ve not mentioned the movie’s innovative use of 3D. It’s amazing, if sometimes slightly vomit-inducing, and really makes the action jump right out the screen. It truly is fabulous. However, putting a couple of coats of ship’s varnish on a turd doesn’t change the basic nature of the object.

Avatar is one lousy movie that happens to have been made in 3D. And that doesn’t change the nature of the movie - it’s still tedious hippy crap, albeit with the ability to leap out the screen at you.

I can think of nothing worse.

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Anthony Clark