Bikini Girls on Ice   Starring: Suzi Lorraine, Kerri Taylor, Cindel Chartrand and Christina Sciortino Kaleidoscope Home Entertainment RRP: £12.99 KAL8068 Certificate: 18 Available 05 July 2010

Two lads and a group of bikini clad girls drive to the beach to take part in a charity car wash event. Unfortunately, the bus they are driving breaks down at a remote and seemingly unoccupied garage. Whilst the repairs are being undertaken, the girls decide to set up the wash where they are. However, as the time moves on they get the distinct feeling they are not alone. Suddenly, they are fighting for their very lives, running from a crazed axe wielding maniac...

The cliché control is well and truly turned up to eleven for this one. Let's begin with the stereotypical characters. We have bikini girl slut; there is reluctant bikini girl, who is very intelligent (although you wouldn't think so judging by some of the things she does); there's fun-loving laid-back bikini girl; and conceited and spoilt bikini girl. Then there is teenage boy who just wants to get laid (who the girls string along and ridicule somewhat); and the strong, silent one, who turns down all the girl's advances (no, he isn't gay), but eventually falls for the sensible girl. Surprise surprise.

Although described by the marketing blurb as a cross between Friday 13th and Urban Legend, this is being way too kind. The killer is viewed in his entirety almost from the outset. He wears a mechanic's overall, looks dishevelled as if he doesn't know the meaning of grooming, and breathes heavily as if he's making an illicit sexual phone call. Or maybe he's Darth Vader's long lost cousin. Aside from these things, there's nothing even remotely remarkable about him.

John Carpenter set the rules for this format of film back in 1978, with Halloween (only with significantly more style and panache), but Bikini Girls On Ice rattles through the set-pieces as if its invented a bright new shiny thing. Furthermore, Carpenter gave his killer a background and, utilising good scripting, clever lighting, and original impacting music, significant presence as well. Our perpetrator here possesses none of these attributes and merely comes across as insignificant and uninteresting. Not only do we not discover who he is, but more importantly there is no known motive for his actions.

The retail DVD release is supposed to contain some extras, but having received only a basic burnt to blank disc version, I can't review them. Nor would I wish to (if this is how you treat reviewers). This is in every sense a directionless teen horror, with loud pop rock music and predictable (not to mention nonsensical) scenes. Run for your lives!

2

Ty Power