Imagine your dream cast. Can you picture it in your mind’s eye? The best and boldest zinging off one another’s talent, raising their game and bringing the best they can offer; can you imagine it? Let me guess. Does this dream cast consist of Michael Douglas, Amber Tamblyn and Jesse Metcalfe (that bloke off of Desperate Housewives)? No? Well, I’m shocked.

However, folks, this is the cast of Beyond a Reasonable Doubt, a re-make of 1956 Fritz Lang film noir, Lang’s last American film.

The plot is a little ripe. In the same way that a bloated corpse dragged from the sewer beds and hosed off with stale urine is a little ripe. For pure entertainment value (for myself if no-one else) lets imagine that two ordinary working class blokes in a pub, in Wakefield for no apparent reason, describe it to you. For ease of reading I shall call them Bert and Malcolm:

 

Bert: Did yer enjoy that film last night?

Malcolm: Weren’t too bad.

Bert: What happened then?

Malcolm: This reporter bloke, I think it was Jesse Metcalfe (that bloke off of Desperate Housewives) suspects that this Michael Douglas lad is messing about with evidence to get people banged up and make himself look good to get elected governor.

Bert: That’s a bit off?

Malcolm: That’s what I thought.

Bert: So what’s he do? Give all his evidence to the police and let them sort it out.

Malcolm: Yer’d think so. No, he sets himself up to look like he’s a murderer and hopes that Michael Douglas will take the case then he can show him up when Douglas rigs it.

Bert: That’s taking a risk.

Malcolm: Yeah, I thought so at the time. What if he can’t get to the real evidence to show he’s not a murderer? He might really end up in the nick.

Bert: That’s Jesse Metcalfe (that bloke off of Desperate Housewives) all over; a risk taker.

(Etc, etc.)

 

Now this is not an awful film but, by Christ, it’s close. Michael Douglas is certainly a competent actor but there seems to be no real sense of his being the villain in this role. His evilness is mostly carried out by lackey and Michael is definitely phoning it in. This I can forgive. After all, the poor chap’s not been well.

Jesse Metcalfe (that bloke off of Desperate Housewives) however is not a convincing lead. At certain points he is out-acted by his eyebrows. He's gazing around the scenery like a sleep walker rudely awoken in a TV movie with no soul and style. Which is ironic given that he has. In one pivotal scene, his reaction to the news of his best friend’s death and impeding future in the bar-y place where showers are a danger, is as though he has just been informed by his gopher lackey that they have placed sweeteners in his coffee instead of his usual two lumps.

Gamely trying her best is Amber Tamblyn. With the material at hand she can only be described as the best thing in it. This is not a massive accolade but the best I can offer. In this TV movie fare this is the equivalent of an Oscar. And no, I’m not bias just because her godfathers are Dennis Hopper, Neil Young and Dean Stockwell (incidentally, fact fans, the bloke I most look like in real life).

As unintentional TV movies goes it’s not the worst. There must be something worse. The problem is I haven’t seen it. As you flick though the TV movie channel on cable TV it is probably best to avoid films which “star” Jesse Metcalfe (that bloke off of Desperate Housewives).

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Dean Lester Smales