Gather ye round, the long awaited Thor movie is here! With feverish hands I tore open the package. Would it be the big Marvel blockbuster or the animated on the cheap cartoon series? It was neither. This was the straight to DVD version with Cody Deal and ex-wrestler, Kevin Nash. We are definitively into mockbuster territory.

Oh well, no problemo, let's give it a fair crack.

Three problems off the bat.

One: Odin has the usual (but unusual for him) number of eyes. More than one but less than three.

Two: Thor's costume, in places, appears to be a brown bath mat; the kind you place around the toilet to catch errant urine and a pair of Ugg boots bound in gaffer tape.

Three: The romantic element is provided by a less than Nordic looking Valkyrie who appears to be the unattractive sister of Catalina, the foxy Hispanic maid from My name is Earl.

Still, there is a big siege scene right at the off. By siege scene I mean a couple of long shots of some vague CGI fortress backed by less than Scandinavian mountains. This shot will be returned to repeatedly throughout the siege, so get used to it. This is supplemented by a small group of live roleplayers wandering about holding spears, wearing pot helmet and getting mauled by giant CGI dogs to add to the epic scale. Helm’s Deep it ain’t.

That kind of sums up this movie. The budget is so obviously tiny and it shows it. “So what?” I hear you cry; a good script can cover the lack of visual stimulus. And I would agree, unfortunately there isn’t one and it doesn’t.

I am not going to even mention that the second half of the film is set in Los Angeles as I think by now you should have the message.

This is one long (long) chase scene of a movie. The main characters spend their days running through wooded areas for the Planet of the Apes TV series or pelting through the strangely washed out blue streets of LA. The main villain, Loki, looks like he has just swung through on his way to the audition to be the new front man for Zodiac Mindwarp and any vicarious thrill that should be gathered from the fight scenes if lost amidst intentionally jerky, slow motion effects.

Not good.

Ps. All the hammers in the movie were constructed out of hard wearing polystyrene.

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Dean Lester Smales