After 16 years confidently riding the middle of the album charts in his own country, Canada’s premiere rapper is finally ready for the International superstardom he considers his right. To this end he has recorded, in his own words, “something banging”.

Rapping isn’t easy as anyone who’s tried Defjam Rapstar on the Xbox will tell you. Whilst I share Classified’s love of hip-hop and lack of talent, I would never have the audacity to declare myself a rapper. Even after 16 years of practice Classified’s verbal delivery hasn’t progressed beyond the equivalent of a Tier Two level of competence (on Easy mode).

Lyrically he’s even worse. Most of the tracks on Hand Shakes and Middle Fingers focus on how average Classified considers himself. The usual braggadocio, verbal dexterity and wit that makes hip-hop so lyrically exciting is completely absent from this album. Classified is obviously proud of his ineptitude and wears this as a badge of his authenticity. Other rappers having skill and talent is inconceivable in his world and he has the temerity to accuse them of being fake for simply composing and delivering complex wordplay.

Lyrical topics for him include, how boring and average his life is, how he’s conquered and outgrown Canada (his last album reached No.25 on the Canadian Albums chart) and how very tired he feels a lot of the time. Two tracks bravely break from this template. High Maintenance details his obligatory marijuana usage where he even declares his parents to be users - “nowadays they smoke a bit, after work puff puff and don’t want no one knowing it”. With the size of Classified’s audience I think their secret’s safe.

The other departure is Step it Up, not a Stereo MCs cover but Classified’s very own DIY guide to being a famous rapstar which ends with a reassuring “but there’s no guarantee it’s gonna work for sure”. Thank you Classified. For wasting my time.

Musically the tracks have no coherence or unity. It’s as if Classified were simply throwing everything in there, hoping that one of the styles hits a nerve with the elusive International audience. After all, in his own words “the best thing about being Classified is, getting free sh*t, not having to buy it.”

On one level this album may be enjoyed as an elaborate joke on the rubbishness of the entire Canadian nation, in the way Celine Dion is appreciated. Unfortunately I suspect Classified takes his career seriously and this constant reminder prevents the listener gaining anything but a sense of despair from this epically bad album.

Avoid this like herpes.

2

Richard A Bennett