Arachnoquake   Starring: Tracey Gold, Edward Furlong, Bug Hall, Ethan Phillips and Megan Adelle Signature Entertainment RRP: £9.99 SIG80 Certificate: 15 Available 01 October 2012

A brother and sister work with their father on the river but, as a consequence of unreliability, the brother is demoted to driving a trolley bus full of tourists through the city. However, after only just starting his first run, he comes across a huge pit in the road. It seems that an earthquake has released an until now undiscovered species of spider. They are large (some of them gigantic), they can jump high, run on water, and even breathe fire. Furthermore, they are predators. The spiders are over-running the city, but a small group of survivors have found the queen. Kill this spider and you kill them all. But that’s easier said than done, as it appears impervious to gunfire or explosions...

I don’t recall having seen a spider horror film since the release of Eight-Legged Freaks. Arachnoquake is to all intents and purposes a modern day B-movie. I have to say the spiders don’t look entirely real. It probably wasn’t a very good idea to make them pink. Then there’s the cartoonish CGI aspect, which also extends to any scenes with flame or fire. If a spider is light enough to spread its centre of gravity, it could stand or float on water. Some of these spiders are almost the size of a boat, and yet they can run on water and chase a boat! I think the writer here has mixed arachnids up with ants or bees, because in this movie we have a queen who supposedly controls all the other spiders - they can’t survive without her. Which is a convenient plot device to rid the city of the monsters.

The cast do their best to attempt to convince us the spiders are really there. When you’re watching huge, pink, water-skiing, fire-breathing arachnids, you’re obliged to suspend your disbelief quite a bit. You might recognise Edward Furlong from Terminator 2, and Ethan Phillips from Star Trek: Voyager.

It might sound like I’ve completely pulled this film to pieces, but the truth is it works fine if you treat it in the spirit it is intended. No, it’s not thought-provoking, or intricately plot-woven, or strong on characterisation. Or even particularly scary. This is a fun popcorn movie, pure and simple. So, sit down, turn off your I.Q. and enjoy.

6

Ty Power