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A gang meet in a restaurant to finalise their plans for an
armed robbery on a diamond warehouse, planned for the next
day. The restaurant staff decide to borrow their car, equipment
and disguises and carry out the robbery today, and be back
before the gang have finished their lunch. However, the plans
go awry when one of the women is recognised by her uncle who
owns the diamonds. They discuss an insurance scam between
them, but it is interrupted when a third party arrives to
take over the robbery...
What
do you get when you cross a bunch of less than mediocre actors
with a thin plot so porous you could strain your vegetables
with it? Well... you get The Long Lunch actually. Thoughts
of straining my vegetables keeps it fresh in my mind just
how painful this is to watch.
Any
good film maker would have severe difficulty filling only
a twenty minute slot with merely this to work with. The emphasis
here is on long. I thought I'd somehow slipped into another
dimension where every minute lasts an hour. With no meat on
the bones of the story, the vast majority of the running time
is taken up with superfluous timewasting scenes.
The
woman who leads the gang in the restaurant is having an open
relationship with one of the men, but has a quickie on the
video game machine with one of the others. Two of the men
have a pointless gun-related argument about Elton John and
Princess Diana. A man gets punched out because he releases
another man's birthday present of a puppy for his daughter,
fearing it will be eaten by Orientals. Gripping
stuff, eh?
Try as I might, I just can't think of anything good to say
about this disaster. A lame attempt to inject humour surrounding
the restaurant staff's bungled robbery hits so far wide of
the mark that they really shouldn't have bothered. Hang on
a minute, I don't think they did anyway. Tilting their heads
from side to side whilst making high-pitched Tweenie squeaking
noises doesn't constitute humour in my book.
Proceedings
become progressively more stupid as the film nears its end.
Quite frankly, it comes as a significant relief when practically
the entire cast of characters get shot or blown up.
Did you know you can put unwanted DVD discs to a multitude
of good uses these days? How about a clock? A fetching pair
of Bet Lynch earrings? A Frisbee? Or maybe just a beer mat?
Can you believe there are actually extras on this disc? Call
be a non-completist if you wish, but I couldn't stomach watching
the deleted scenes too. If I had anything to do with it a
lot more scenes would have bitten the dust.
In
case you haven't got the message yet, don't waste your hard
earned cash on this nonsense. The single point is for the
cast and crew remembering to turn up. On second thoughts,
that wasn't such a good idea!
Ty Power
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