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Chronicling the work of the Miami-Dade crime investigators,
CSI: Miami is set against the sun, fun and tropics of the
Florida tourist haven. Leading the team is Horatio Caine,
an ex-bomb squad detective who is no stranger to confrontations
with criminals and the underworld...
The
first part of season two of CSI: Miami doesn't seem
to have learned any lessons from it's short comings in the
first season. Whereas the original CSI (now re-titled
as CSI: Las Vegas) had the crimes as the centrepiece
to each episode, CSI: Miami has team leader Horatio
Caine at the centre of each story, and it just doesn't work.
Instead
of letting the crime scene do the talking, more often than
not, the evidence is ignored by Caine, who insists on following
some bizarre reasoning that is impossible to follow logically
(more of that later). He then sets about making the evidence
fit his idea of who committed the crime.
This
is not a patch on the original CSI series. I've said
it before, but I'm going to say it again... Caine has to be
about the most annoying, arrogant, self-righteous tosser on
the planet.
Caine
gets off to an early start. In the first episode, Blood
Brother, he deduces in two seconds that the victim of
a hit and run was knocked down on purpose. The tire marks
indicate that this could indeed be the case, but there is
an eye witness who claims to have seen the whole thing and
they say nothing about the driver deliberately running the
victim down. So, what does Caine say? He states that he wouldn't
"trust the investigation to an eye witness!" No,
he'd much rather fantasise some other scenario in his head.
Dead
Zone has another fantastically bizarre Caine moment. On
seeing that the fingernails of a fisherman has a black substance
under his fingernails, Caine instantly theorises that our
dead man has been touching silver coins (go figure). Now,
while he is proved correct, wouldn't it have made more sense
for him to ask for the black dirt to be tested in the lab
- how on earth would he know what it was at the crime scene?
And, when it is established that the victim did indeed come
into contact with silver that has been in salt water, why
do they start searching the sea bed miles away from the scene
of the incident.
This
episode also has another fantastically bizarre scene. A delivery
driver drops off a package to a household as Caine is leaving.
Within two seconds he spots that the driver's shoes are too
clean (what?) and runs back to the house to warn the owner
that they shouldn't open the package. Where on earth is this
logic coming from. Could the guy not have just bought a new
pair of trainers that morning? It doesn't matter though because
(shock! Horror!) Caine is correct yet again.
In
Death Grip I had a hard time in working out why the
CSI team continued to link a severed arm to the apparent kidnap
of a young girl. Surely once the girl was discovered unharmed
that should have been the end of it. There is no evidence
to suggest that there is any link, but Caine (bless him) continues
to dig... Obviously it was a slow week for murders in Miami,
because Caine manages to link the arm to the kidnapping in
ways I won't even bother to go into. This episode also has
the worst Caine line ever - patronising and mildly racist.
The parents of a missing Hispanic girl are obviously upset
when Caine confronts them and tells them the severed arm is
probably their daughter's (no tests have been performed on
it, so what is he waffling on about?) The mother, distraught
at the fact that no one bothered to look for her daughter
when she went missing because of her race, cries and says:
"No one cares" to which Caine replies. "Almost
no one cares". What the hell comfort is that?
And
one last whinge (I've written pages of the stuff, but I haven't
got room for them all here). In Hurricane Anthony,
Caine is at the scene as a man is dying. Why, instead of talking
rubbish, doesn't he ring for an ambulance or try and help
the guy. Okay, I know that the emergency services are stretched,
but shouldn't he at least try and call for help? In this episode
there is a throwaway remark about bodies piling up outside
the CSI lab. So are we to assume there are no other labs in
Miami? I thought the CSI lab was only supposed to check out
bodies when there is a hint of foul play.
About
half way through watching this collection I realised what
it was about Caine that really grated on me (besides the fact
he knows everything and thinks he knows how to do everyone's
jobs better than them) it was the fact that every episode,
and I mean every episode, has two basic elements that
are really, really cheesy.
Firstly,
Caine arrives to every murder scene wearing his shades - something
no one else does. He then proceeds to dramatically remove
said specs, or replace them on his face, at a critical moment
- when he also introduces some cod dialogue. Examples of said
dialogue would include (although this is a made up example)
on finding a victim hanging from a rope... "We've work
to do. Let's not hang around." The pun itself is poor,
but the fact he speaks it so slowly, so that even the most
stupid of viewers gets it, is patronising. And when he's not
doing that, he stands around a bit with his hands on his hips
talking rubbish.
Secondly,
and most annoyingly, Caine has a habit (and when you know
to look for it it becomes hysterically funny) of delivering
some cocky line to a victim and then (camera still on his
ginger topped, freckly features) he slowly moves off camera.
This becomes rather spooky after a while. And finally, why
does he attend the funeral of so many of the victims. Is that
normal?
As
you may have gathered from my moaning, I really didn't enjoy
the majority of this collection. With CSI: Las Vegas the
crime is the main star, and following the team as they discover
more evidence is part of the charm of the episode. With CSI:
Miami Caine works everything out in his head and, more
often than not, leaves the viewer scratching their heads at
how on earth he ends up framing his victims - who all, in
true Scooby-Doo style, admit to their crimes before
the end credits.
One
for the mentally challenged only.
Amber
Leigh
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